i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.

Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:

Some other things I recently bought:
• Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
• BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
• BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.

i am scared shitless and i feel like a rabbit running from a predator! oh god oh god i have no choice but to do this...

current weight: fluctuates between 115 lbs and 110 lbs.

goal: 103 lbs.

calorie limit: 1200 cals ~ 800 preferably on non-work days.

physical activity: 10k steps a day or 3 30 12. no other choice.

days i have without smoking? 3 months now and hopefully forever.

days without purging? estimate: 1 month

days without alcohol? 1 month

i like
• the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
• people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
• peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning

i dislike
• obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
• people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
• over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...

i cannot take myers-briggs or any of these pseudo-psychology pop-science personality tests seriously anymore. i hate being put into a box and having my personality defined by a quiz i take. we are all much more multifaceted than that. a lot of people don't know who they are, or why they feel so profoundly alienated, so they attempt to find an identity by ascribing to terms and definitions: introverted vs. extroverted, type a vs. type b, feeler vs. thinker. based on the mbti, i am an infj. i have consistently always gotten this 4 letter result, but i hate the box it forces me in, as i am not always a "sensitive feeler" in every given situation. i stopped caring about mbti pop-psychology the second that corporations started using it and advertising it.

oh look! i found my old blog

i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.

I felt so anxious and nauseous today that I couldn’t eat and I could barely function. i feel so absolutely awful. i cried when i got home. it could also be because i could barely sleep last night and i wasn't eating properly. i feel like isolating myself from others.

update: ok, i feel better after eating. someone made me feel really uncomfortable and belittled the other day even though they didn't mean to. they apologized today and were on the verge of tears, and i wanted to cry too bc of how the whole situation impacted me both at work and at home, how it had caused me so much discomfort and anxiety. i hope i feel better tomorrow once i get enough sleep.

i hope next week is better. i get a whole week off and i can dress up again and be my beautiful self.

• that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
• romanticizing small and mundane things
• the album: velocity : design : comfort...

• being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
• the term "coquette"
• "networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.

when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.

i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"

the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!

i've been working diligently on this blog and i feel i'm about 1/3 of the way to completing it. i'm really proud of how my about page turned out and it shows how far i've improved on designing my neocities!

i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.

this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.

today i got a call back from the unit and officially got offered the job :3. i'm so happy! i just need to sign some paperwork and my start date will be on march 17. i'm going to use the time until then to study and review skills and scenarios related to the unit, as well as watch videos on advice from nurses. i want to be as best prepared as i possibly can. my brain is kind of fried lately because i haven't been getting much sleep. just writing feels like a chore right now, but i will feel better tomorrow.

i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.

i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!

the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.

i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.

:3 nvm i feel better

"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth

as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.

for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...

today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.

1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.

2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.

today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.