2/06/2025

i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.

2/05/2025

i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!

the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.

i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.

2/04/2025

:3 nvm i feel better

2/02/2025

"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth

as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.

for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...

2/01/2025

today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK that my boyfriend bought me from the guildhouse lolita swap meet that i wasn't able to attend. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.

1) i wore it once on a date with my bf in sf on halloween, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.

2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.

1/31/2025

today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that o would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.