so i was thinking about my previous post where i proclaimed myself as a "city girl" and my love for walking as long as it involves a lot of window shopping. there is a deep lonely sadness about shopping malls that appeals to me greatly. i have often made jokes about how america is a giant consumerist shopping mall but i sort of love it now. i used to hate shopping malls and would get completely overstimulated and exhausted going to valley fair. not just overstimulated by the vast amount of smells, people, and stimuli thrown in my vicinity, but the endless bourgeois advertisements and instagram-friendly medicore boba shops and overpriced restaurants. i have found a way to embrace the shopping mall that completely transcends the average shopping experience. you have to immerse yourself into the advertisement-spectacle and imagine as if you are in some metaphysical realm that encapsulates the mall as a constellation of forces. a constellation of human bodies wandering, consuming, drifting, architectural channels that guide or capture movement, corporate brands exerting affective pulls, forming a functioning machine of desire. through each step of the malls corridors, through the food court and up the escalator, past another "Coming 2026" sign for another mediocre gimmicky shop, feel the flows of pure capital (transactions, credit, data) as you pass through each storefront. you must feel the desire that emanates from displays, mannequins, advertisements. people-watch: look at all the other bodies circulating along escalators, corridors, food courts. observe the way the mall redirects and intensifies the human body to accumulate into consumption.
last month, i walked into an Aritzia for the first time in my life. i laid my hand on their famous slouch coat and found myself in a micro-machine (artizia) wired inside a larger machine (valley fair). i felt my mood being affectively modulated by the purposeful combination of lighting + scent + music + product displays. the checkout counter was a "point of capture" that i tried my best to avoid (it scared me). i had become a component plugged into the machine: my gaze, my movement, my attention, my credit card all becomining machinic parts interacting with the mall’s circuitry. i feel that valley fair is particularly special compared to other shopping malls in my area in its ability to make me enter a dreamlike consumerist state. great mall and eastridge barely fool me, the clothing and ads feel so cheap or outdated that it feels more like a mockery of a mall than a real one. valley fair instead creates particular subjectivities the way a garden creates flowers. valley fair doesn't tell me who to be, but it instead saturates me with possible becomings. what i mean by this is that the moment i enter the mall, i have left ordinary life to enter a climate-controlled, timeless interior. my identity dissolves, and i then re-attach to new identities through "possible becomings": “i wear this,” “i look like that,” “i belong to this lifestyle.” each purchase reterritorializes me into a coded consumer position. i feel this strongly when i shop at a sephora or a nordstrom. i can physically feel the modern space of the mall modulating my behavior softly but continuously. it is continuous but not necessarily oppressive. more like an ambient form of control that is mild, seductive, and omnipresent. the exception to this is the stores bloomingdale's and byredo. i have stepped into bloomingdale's probably a maximum of 3 times, and byredo only once. the control that these micro-machines attempt to thrust onto me is less ambient and more forceful, making it dreadful and alien-like, and i feel so surveillanced in there as if a giant camera were following me from the ceiling.
oh, i also want to give a shoutout to the Ala Moana center in honolulu. that place gives me exactly the feeling i described above except x100 compared to valley fair in an exhilirating way. that time i had walked through there, downing a pina colada smoothie, wearing a bunch of testers from sephora, it literally made me feel high. i felt like i was in a reality that the 2000's frutiger aero era had envisioned the future looking like. especially when i walked outside into a cool summer breeze next to the beach surrounded by skyscrapers. THAT is what i mean for my love of the city and of window shopping. i fucking love hawaii so much, i wish i could live there. i am aware that this part will come off as a privileged and ignorant because hawaii has completely been destroyed by tourists like me to steal land in order to create said shopping malls for tourists. i would love to go on a solo trip to hawaii next year and experience things i could not do because of my family's presence: tiki bars and clubs of waikiki, a day spent at a spa, a luau feast, hawaiian punk shows, more time spent at museums, antique shopping, etc. a perfectly curated hawaiian trip just for myself.
i would LOVE to start studying the architecture of modern shopping malls. in what ways shops and mall corridors act as "organs" for this massive organism? are the shoppers cells? food courts as a metaphor for mitochandria? can we envision a mall as a metaphor for a live being? i want to curate, like, an autistic obsession with really nice shopping malls. i feel like my fascination with shopping malls is that they make me feel so nostalgic. i spent much of my teen years hanging out at santana row and valley fair during its developing years, before it became the corporate tourist behemoth it now is. when i was a child, shopping malls, even a mediocre one like eastridge, felt to me like a vast and huge space of magnificence. my child brain was already envisioning future-becomings and possibilities within the mall without realizing it.
despite fragrantica's multiple controversies, i still used it since it had the best perfume website interface to help me study fragrance notes. well, let's toss that aside now, considering that fragrantica has massively fucked up their interface and it now looks like shit and is unusable for me. i re-organized my perfume collection and i would love to get back into fragrances and expanding my collection of samples again. i'm planning to do a huge update on my perfume page to include my personal perfume reviews and update it with my surplus of fragrance samples i currently own.
- my top favorite perfumes as of now are:
- santal 33 (year round)
- kerosene dirty flower factory (winter)
- l'eau d'hiver (winter and spring)
- ysl mon paris intensement (winter and spring)
- mugler alien (nights - year round)
- jorum studio healing berry (spring)
- VS bombshell (summer)
- kerosene unknown pleasures (winter and fall)
- lys 41 (summer)
one pattern i have noticed is that my favorite fragrances tend to be more polarizing, hence alien, santal 33, and kerosene perfumes. but i also have a deep appreciation for "basic" scents like YSL and anything from victoria's secret. i would not call myself a perfume snob by any means as i've grown to appreciate popular scents i previously would have "disliked" for being too mainstream. dior poison and hypnotic poison are both masterpieces in their own right, though i think we can all admit that the vintage version of these fragrances are vastly superior than today's formulation. speaking of, i'm going to buy my mom a vintage set of dior perfumes from ebay for christmas!!
- avoid polyester materials as much as possible. even brand name poly
- avoid animal ears unless your coord will be sweet + purposely playful
- avoid too many patterns and colors.
- stick to one theme in a coord
- always wear OTKs or stockings. no bare legs
- always wear a mary jane shoe with a heel or platform heel
- always have hair and makeup done. wear wig if unable to do hair
- themes to avoid: bittersweet, over the top, hime, cosplay/costume
- absolutely no Taobao, no Devilinspired (ew), no aliexpress. 42Lolita and Wunderwelt are ok
- don't cheap out on accessories either, especialy hair accessories.
- avoid modern angelic pretty prints like holy lantern or anything marine or toy themed. i personally find it ugly.
- be careful with how many ruffles are on your socks. make sure they match with the rest of the coord
- try to your best ability to match whites, browns, reds, etc.
- if wearing a short sleeve blouse, wear wrist cuffs.
- bonnets are hit or miss.
- don't listen to the advice of popular lolita influencers like carolmiku or lovely lor. they are mostly itas. stick to gothic lolita bible, japanese fasion EGL magazines and books, pinterest for inspo.
- be careful about buying a statement piece. you might regret it like i did.
- juliette et justine dresses are fugly imo. so are most alice and the pirates pieces
- brand purses are made of cheap pleather and are a waste of money. same with brand shoes.
- always wear a petticoat unless old school look.
- velveteen, torchon lace, and gobelin are underrated.
- pieces from before 2013 generally fit better, are structured better, and are better quality.
- avoid all mordern moi-meme-moitie. garbage quality polyester rip off
- don't impulse buy
- i don't care for bloomers
so i'm getting back into lolita lately and my style tastes have changed. i have a lot of pieces i bought on a whim that i ended up not really liking or wearing. i want to sell a lot of my red and pink pieces and switch into more of a black and white, sax, brown, wine, and mint theme. reds are okay but i feel like they overwhelm me now. so here is a list of some dream pieces i am in the search for adding to my wardrobe:
path 1 i described below isn't necessarily pretentious. you can have certain interests and still not be pretentious. it's when you start looking down on others for having different interests than you that you start veering into pretention. or moreso when you view yourself as superior to others for having certain tastes or interests. i will give an example:
superiority posturing over music tastes, interests, hobbies: you are no better than anyone just because you listen to some sort of avant-garde russian hypnogagic glitch wave and not taylor swift or EDM. we are all human. instead seek to deconstruct and critique what the celebrity or genre symbolizes whether that be unfairly distributed wealth and power, faux-feminism as a distraction, gentrification, colonization, or straight up fascism. i will absolutely no longer tolerate any pretentious superiority posturing in myself even when so many communities i was immersed in embrace this exact line of thinking (e.g. rateyourmusic.com, last.fm, /mu/). i do not want to put ANYONE down just because their tastes are considered "low-brow" or "mainstream." you wanna know why? i have met many people with these exact tastes who i genuinely enjoyed being around and were good people! who cares if it's "basic"? i cannot dehumanize others or view others beneath me over that! i'm absolutely sick of this urge to view others as basic over music taste. music taste is a poor contender of character. that person who listens to some obscure genre could be the most insufferable, egotistical person you've met, whilst the ed sheeran listener is genuinely fun to be around . . . in other words, i want to be an anti-elitist now. i do not want to treat mainstream tastes as inferior. not even watching stuff like love island (again, all too easy for it to fall into internalized misogyny since women tend to primarily consume this media). i absolutely cannot stand pseudo-intellectualism anymore or wanting to LARP as some tortured artist type when that isn't even being authentic to oneself, but moreso treating certain media as an aesthetic choice. e.g. pretending to understand and enjoy kafka to fit into a certain aesthetic, rather than genuine interest in the literature. treating mainstream tastes as inferior is often just misogyny, classism, or insecurity in disguise. and i've noticed that elitist spaces often encourage performance over authenticity. have you ever seen one of those tiktok videos of college students dressed in dark academia at some bookstore or cafe holding philosophy books and smoking cigarettes while drinking a black coffee? yeah this is the exact archetype of person i want to avoid and want to avoid being. i will stick with the "basic" people who at least don't pretend to be someone they are not.
I AM COMPLETELY DONE WITH MUSIC ELITISM, PSEUDO-INTELLECTUALISM, DARK-ACADEMIA POSTURING, AND THE KIND OF "TASTE AS IDENTITY" BULLSHIT THAT DISGUISES CLASSISM AND MISOGNYNY.
pic related: 
path 1 (the introvert, thinker): has a membership at the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum, reads 52 books a year, has memberships to museums, attends avant-garde shows and events, listens to obscure music, long hair and baby bangs, ghostly white nightgowns and days spent reading in bed, anti-social, near hikkikomori, devours novels and films, obsessed with sardines, nearly ascetic (except for spending money on depop clothes), watches arthouse films on big screens, has a mubi subscription, pirates video games and rare films, kindle runs out of storage, has a massive zine collection, voluntarily friendless. lowkey insufferable in the perfect ways
path 2 (the intuitive, sensor): watches comedians, goes out to bars and shows, has a lot of friends, understands finances, goes out of town weekly or bi-weekly, works in sf, likes action and drama films, dislikes slow philosophical films, travels in the summer, listens to drum n bass and deep house nearly nonstop, watches drag race or fashion shows, drinks matcha, views life as a game, does not take life seriously, partakes in recreational activities, gyms
it's not what you would think. the worst thing i have ever smelled was not in healthcare. it was someone's breath on a deliriously drunk night in downtown san jose. we spent like an hour getting drunk at habderdasher, downing irish whiskeys and having electic discussions about cormac mccarthy, pornography, feminism, violence, and blood meridian. the table next to use seemed boring and one of the patrons there was staring at our table in awe and envy at how fascinating and passionately loud our discussions were while their table was dry and boring. we went to mini boss wearing our lolita dresses and got even more drunk, downing colorful cocktails until a group of boys resembling farmers or cowboys tried to woo us. we joined their group to get free drinks but they ended up being so rowdy and we got too drunk i could barely remember things. here's a snapshot of what i last remembered:
1) mexican cowboy bought me a hot dog that i later threw up on the dancefloor at labyrinth
2) he also bought me a single rose on the streets of downtown sj and i remember finding it so romantic and sweet. i was drunk. but to be fair, he was sweet for downtown sj at night standards.
3) at labyrinth me and my friend kept getting seperated and i eventually threw up uncontrollably at labyrinth, getting us all kicked out, while cowboy tried his best to help me and make sure i was okay. i felt so embarassed. his friends were hitting on my friend, i knew she wasn't interested in them and wanted to use them for drinks like i was. but it was bad idea overall. men get so rowdy when they are drunk
4) i remember despite how sweet he was, how absolutely blood-curdlingly rancid his breath had smelled. the only way i could describe it was: moldy bread with a saccarine keto-sweetness to it, with a hint of either gangrene, cancer, or tooth decay. looking back and with the knowledge i have now: i believe i smelled a rare form of cancer on him without him even knowing it. if i could go back in time, i would have asked him if he has some sort of health problem, not to be nosy, but to gather health information and recommend he see a doctor asap.
5) when i was finally home, his breath stench had stuck onto me, onto my hair, onto my literal nostril hair. his smell lingered. it was like a ghost haunting me. it was so bad. mixed with the smell of vomit. it ruined the perfume delina for me, as my friend had been wearing that and it was so strong, and only amplified the saccarine sweetness of the rotting teeth.
6) i remember being so bothered by how his breath smelled that i genuinely was concerned for his health. his other friends were a bunch of rowdy fuckboys. he texted me later saying they all got kicked out from all the other bars. i ghosted him. as anyone usually does for some stranger they met on a night out partying.
genuinely i regret every single time i overshare with someone. i feel like it comes from an urge to feel more open with someone or forge a friendship but it genuinely feels like forced authenticity when i overshare for the sake of keeping a conversation going. you know what i mean? by nature i am a very private person but still find myself spilling out secrets or honest/controversial thoughts when a conversation is going nowhere. oversharing to forge chemistry with someone you just don't have conversational chemistry with. it shouldn't have to be that way. you shouldn't have to overshare with someone just to feel closer. and i end up feeling less close to someone when i overshare without being comfortable with it. this usually happens when i'm in conversations where the other party is quiet and i feel like i have to be the more "extroverted" one and carry the conversation even though that doesn't feel natural to who i am. the other person's lack of ability to socialize or put in equal effort into the conversations just makes me feel awkward and i end up attempting to fill the gaps. it's one of my bad habits because i feel intense discomfort by silence sometimes. you can't just trust everyone with your private life and thoughts like that.
but then i switch back and forth between that mode of thinking, and this mode of thinking: "who gives a fuck? be authentic and share whatever about yourself!! oversharing is fun1! stop caring!!" and i flip flop between the former and the ladder. i fucking hate social rules
pic related:
i feel like the only bay area person who is not into hiking. i have been asked so many times by people if i want to go hiking and i never end up going through with it. i find it difficult to hold a conversation while hiking. hiking overstimulates me: my stomach gets bloated due to blood flow, my hands and feet get swollen due to blood flow (i absolutely hate the feeling), i feel like i stink like dirt afterwards, my hair gets all greasy and sweaty, i hate feeling sweaty, i don't like feeling out of breath, and i legitmately get chest pain, stomach cramps, heartburn sometimes from hiking... i also hate how i look in athleisure or work-out clothing. call me unfit or whatever. on second thought, i think i'd be open to hiking again just because writing this post makes me feel so painfully out of shape and lazy.
my version of hiking is walking 20k steps throughout a city. i did so in hawaii, walking miles and miles effortlessly in platform flip flips throughout waikiki just to visit bookstores, thrift and antique shops, museums, beaches, and shopping malls and plazas. i feel like i was built to be a city girl. i can barely walk a mile on a hiking trail but put me in a new city and i will genuinely walk across the entire city without getting the same symptoms i get on a hike in nature. i like spending time in nature when it's for a charcuterie picnic and laying in the grass and taking photos.
i haven't gone camping since my last camping trip in lake tahoe. i did not care for the mountains or trails, but moreso walking across the town to visit shops, gardens, bookstores, and mysterious dead ends i could take photos in. i still love yosemite too but not to hike but to take photos and read in nature by a lake. idc.
i wonder if anyone else finds it oddly intimate to answer such a question as "what is your favorite song?". sharing music tastes feels so highly personal to me. i finally know what my favorite song is, and i think that people who know me personally would be surprised by my choice, but it is unsurprising to me since i've developed a deep fondness for neofolk music ever since i discovered death in june, current 93, and swans. my favorite song officially is The Herald by Comus throughout the past 2 and a half decades of my life i've always ended up choosing "long" songs as my favorite, with MGMT's Siberian Breaks being my favorite song as a teen (a 12 minute song). The Herald is such an unbelievably beautiful and haunting gem. when i listen to it i feel as if i am taken on a mysterious journey each time, re-emerging anew as some beautiful ghostly woman stepping on forest branches barefoot as i run towards the full moon in search of an ecstatic embrace. it's the perfect balance of haunting and beautiful. i fucking love Comus. i discovered this song on a neofolk reddit thread. i also love the album art, it reminds me of the babadook.
as a single star glides swiftly down the night
a soft wetting note issues from the time-worn flute
frowning slightly the herald listens wistful across the night
and from way back behind the day comes the echoed answer
the day advances oh so softly his shadow lengthens and his voice is mute
but clear his flute and sadly walks forward followed by the day
herald of morning walks across the earth eternally
and somewhere in the black distance
another herald puts down his flute
and the dewy dawn creeps on
and the night withdraws
the day advances oh so softly his shadow lengthens and his voice is mute
but clear his flute and sadly walks forward followed by the day
Herald of morning walks across the earth eternally
my second contender for favorite song would be Amarillo by Love Spirals Downwards. Love Spirals Downwards is obviously my favorite band of all time next to Cocteau Twins, and i tend to cycle through which song of theirs is my favorite for the whole month. first it was By Your Side, then it was Will You Fade, and then Alicia (1999 Remix), and countless others. Amarillo is a more simple song, with a soft repetitive melody that slowly warps into an ethereal echo of heaven. it grew on me and it's now one of the most beautiful songs to have ever graced my ears. i always overlooked love spirals downwards instrumental tracks but i find myself seeking out these tracks more and more, specifically songs on the album Ever such as Ipomoea, Ananda, and Cay at Dawn. anyways, Amarillo is gentle and hypnotic with whirrling synths and a lulling acoustic guitar that makes me feel simultatenously somber, lonely, yet ethereal, blissful, and angelic. i can see myself covered in silky white garments in some sort of eternal slumber or dreamlike limbo inside a midcentury style french princess bed covered in layers of fleece blankets as the sun sets and i am all alone inside my castle, away from every worry in the world.
- the smell of insulin
- alcohol pads
- ink
- plastic barbie doll heads
- old leather
- wet cement or stone
- fino hair mask (i wish there was a perfume that smelled exactly like it)
- purple sani-cloths
- magazines
- sunscreen
- new dollar bills
- edible:
- pad kee mao
- pumpkin squash in curry
- crispy tempura
- sourdough crust
- crunchy grapes
- creme brulee
- melted cheese or fondue
- mediterranean desserts
- fried chicken skin wrapped around white rice
- fried pickles
- non-edible:
- dryer sheets
- hardened nail polish
- my hair when it's short
- brand new carpet
- cashmere and merino wool
- vaseline lip balm
- thick blankets
- crunchy leaves
in the bay area, there has been an uptick in rave culture being commodified, gentrified, and co-opted by fintech and stock-market bro types. you know, the techbros in palo alto and san francisco who genuinely don't see anything wrong with waymo's, AI, and tech surveillance. the ones who wear patagonia and drive teslas. me and my friend took pleasure in mocking their corporate parties and events. the work outings with generic edm music being played by some C-grade DJ nobody, trying to dance naturally while feeling completely self-consciousness due to sobriety. or "espresso raves" and "bingo raves" filled with privileged yuppies who have zero inkling of knowledge about the origins of rave and underground culture.
it already sounds like i am mocking them but here me out. i've been thinking a lot about why stuff like this even exists. many of these people are quite isolated from each other without realizing it, and tech companies basically have to manufacture an HR-approved version of "fun" since a lot of people lack genuine community. it's basically a completely sanitized and manufactured version of a real subculture. there's soemthing deeply sad and human about it. i no longer feel the urge to mock it, because in the end mocking something is wasting one's time attempting to feel superior to it. if i were happy with my own life, why would i feel the need to mock anything in order to feel superior? there's a difference between examining/critiquing, and straight up mocking people who are just seeking some form of community, even if it looks so sterile and corporate. rave culture used to be rebellious and underground, and now it has become a corporate-friendly spectacle for people who don't have a nightlife. it feels more like of symptom of how disconnected the middle class is than anything worth roasting. these are lonely adults too, trying to feel something in a city that's been taken over by work culture. mocking it is like low-hanging fruit. everyone is desperate for connection.
there are people out there who would find me "cringe" too. i always think about that now before trying to stoop to mocking others for being "cringe"... they are human too. they have families and are someone's sister/brother/daughter/son. it feels cruel to mock others for attempting to have fun.. many techbros and techgals are painfully lonely. a lot have moved far from home and don't know how to make friendships outside work, or have social skills shaped by hyper-meritocratic environments. it's all a search for connection, as awkwardly expressed as it is. mocking is often a mirror. everyone is cringe to someone. i am better off focusing on my own life than making fun of others for trying to have fun. i can critique the system and the cause, which is different. the tech people did nothing personally to me, and aren't overtly cruel or anything. maybe just ignorant on a lot social issues. but they are also a victim under the system we live in. i don't want to pretend that i'm somehow better or superior just because i go to "real raves". i don't know people's lives or what they've been through to get where they are. it doesn't make sense to me anymore to mock techbros, as much of a reflection of the corporate elite they are. i often find myself treading that fine line of critiquing the system/society vs. outright looking down on others for partaking in things that are obviously so stupid to me. that's more of a reflection of myself than anything. and again i don't want to impede on anyone.
i feel like this exact line of thinking is why i don't really fit into anarchist spaces either. why? i noticed that a lot of anarchist or anti-capitalist circles fall into either moral elitism, defining identity by opposition, or disdain for people immersed in mainstream or corporate culture. i used to be like this. but now i'm no longer interested in superiority posturing. neither the “if you participate in x you’re the problem” mindset, as it creates more infighting within the working class rather than anything productive. i want to think more about root causes. this in itself feels alientating for me, since i feel that many radical spaces depend on an us vs. them identity.
anyways, i've changed a lot. i refuse to dehumanize people, even the stereotypical techbro caricature. most techbros are still *workers*, not capital owners. yes they have six-fig salaries and wear patagonia, but they don’t own companies nor do they shape policy. they are not the ruling class. indeed, i still want to acknowledge that they benefit from the system more than most people, actively participate in gentrification, and tend to be insulated from working-class realities as well as completely ignorant of the histories behind the subcultures they consume. tech culture is harmful in its own right. still, the wealthy elite are an entirely different class: venture capitalists, billionaries, people who own the means of production, and people who can influence elections, laws, tax policy, and urban development.. yes the techbros hold more privilege and opportunities but structurally we are neighbors. focusing on mocking them would be an example of infighting while the captain steers into an iceberg. in other words, it's a distraction.
i want to emphasize that what i just wrote is more of an opinion piece and personal reflection than anything close to a structural analysis. i am ignorant of many things, and am very much ignornant of what i am ignorant about. i just want to be a better person and feel morally okay with myself. focusing so much being mean vs. nice doesn't really fit well into some sort of political resistance, i understand. which is why i say this is more of my own personal reflection.
whenever someone is overtly abrasive, rude, violent, or passive aggressive towards me, i've started convincing myself that that person likely has had a difficult childhood, was abused or SA'd as a child, and/or is a victim of adverse childhood experiences and might even have PTSD, anxiety, clinical depression, etc. that person was once an innocent child who learned the harsh realities of life and this is their way of coping: by oppressing others as an oppressed person themselves. to gain dominance and control after having no control their life. our experiences as children have a profound impact on us as adults. if someone is harsh or a bully towards me, i remind myself that someone who is genuinely happy with themselves and their life would never do that. meaning, they are likely deeply unhappy within themselves, and likely have been through some hardship in the past, or even currently, that causes them to project into the world. e.g. someone who is abusing others could currently be in an abusive relationship themselves and this is their way of regaining a sense of power and control, while at home they are constantly oppressed. someone could be going through addiction or withdrawals and is having a battle within themselves over it. maybe someone was so used to facing abuse themselves that their way of protecting themselves is through being harsh towards others. also, there is learned behavior if they learned growing up that it's okay and acceptable in their household to belittle others.
i once had a former friend like this. she would always make passive aggressive jabs and negs at me that i later realized was straight up bullying, especially when she would use my struggles against me and to mock me in front of others. she would make cruel remarks to me such as me being "weak" or having a certain "smell". she and her friend would make me feel excluded and i realized it was all on purpose. she would constantly be racist and prejudiced against homeless people as well. meanwhile, she came from an oppressive household with a domineering mother, who constantly pressured her to be an over-achiever. she had severe anxiety and would spiral a lot, and it made sense given the tiger parenting she was force fed. her treating me and others as such was a reflection of her own inner battles and trauma that she refused to face within herself.
i start to have compassion and empathy for people who do me wrong when i realize they were likely a victim of something horrible, because it's way more common than you might think. and i'm not saying that trauma is an excuse or anything. just that not everything is about me. there are a lot of people who are horrible and you later find out they had a horrible life and upbringing, and you just feel sorry for them and hope they get better. domestic abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, emotional neglect, SA, CSAM, COCSA, addiction, grief, trauma, ptsd, depression, is way more common than it looks. even in people who seem relatively normal. a lot of people's behaviors make so much more sense when you frame it into this perspective. one thing i must understand is that seeing the brokenness in others doesn’t mean i have to carry it.
anger and hate is a self-inflicting wound. why do you think people, in their absolute highest state of rage and anger, start sobbing as if they were a child again? we all yearn for comfort, to be back in the warm womb once again, safe and protected, away from the traumas of the world.
- my psychodynamic philosophy here is that:
- rage often hides fear, making it prone to being misunderstood
- aggression hides helplessness
- controlling behavior signifies a lack of control within oneself
- dehumanizing others masks self-hatred
- projection hides internal dysfunction
i'm near nauseated at couples who make their relationship their image and basically revolve their life around their partner. and it's almost never the man. it turns into a couples page ran by the gf, or worse, a fanpage of her boyfriend. hundreds of stories and posts of her boyfriend, and then barely one post of her on his page. and a lot of times they're unhappy in the relationship and/or the guy is cheating the whole time. i view it as over-compensating. do you not have a sense of self outside of your partner? i take a lot of pride in decentering myself from men and retaining my sense of individuality while in a relationship and being in love with someone. i want my relationship to be the least interesting thing about me. i am a whole person first and foremost, my partner doesn't define my worth, my relationship is not my personality, and i will never revolve myself around someone like a planet. "i" should not be "we", and i get uncomfortable seeing women partake in self-erasure. relationships aren't personality filler, and shouldn't need public validation to feel secure. i value autonomy a lot. i feel like society is not used to women doing that. people often mock and make caricatures of women who value autonomy, hence the whole "i am an independent woman who dont need no man" / "cat lady" memes that makes fun of women who don't center men when historically, for much of society, women were forced rely on men their whole lives. extremely strange world.
i always seek to deconstruct the "in-between" within certain dynamics.
it bothers me greatly how so many items branded has having "leather material" are so vague about said leather. what kind of leather? lamb? calf? "genuine leather" is so vague that it almost seems like a convenient excuse to label something that is the lowest grade quality of leather as "leather" in order to fool the masses into thinking it's of any decent quality. i refuse to buy leather boots from any shopping mall anymore as 99% of the time it is faux leather or shit quality genuine leather marked up to $200+. i will only purchase VINTAGE leather boots either made in the USA, Europe or made in Mexico. you can guarantee that any "leather" shoe or jacket that is made in china is complete garbage. at the vintage boutique the other day, there were so many leather jackets that felt like real leather yet didn't have a single label describing the specifics of the leather at all. it's so frustrating and difficult to find decent quality clothing in this day and age. my best luck has been ebay and searching diligently through thrift shops.
i called my first RRT on a patient today. god, rapid response nures give off vast amounts of confident aura. i see them as gods. i feel like a puny little baby near them. i want to be like them someday. so competent, fast, critical thinking with 20+ years of experience under their belt. i'm blown away by being near them. it's intimidating being around such intelligent nurses and it makes me feel like a child, not necessarily in a bad way. the whole RRT team at my hospital emanates insane aura
i really don't have empathy for people who choose to drunk drive or end up with a DUI. it's one of the most wreckless, selfish, and stupid things you can do. i think it says a lot about a person. even when i am near-blackout drunk i still retain the deep awareness to never drive. driving while drunk is still a conscious decision. i had a classmate in nursing school who had multiple DUI's. i felt disgust towards them. i refuse to force empathy for things that violate my moral baseline.
santal 33 ruined the rest of perfumes for me. le labo's santal 33 is so good that no other perfume can compare. i feel so lucky to be one of those people who can appreciate its artistry. i don't smell pickles from it no matter how hard i try to. it's so good it's scary. i love polarizing scents.
for black friday, i was planning to go to valley fair but instead i took a trip to SF to do some shopping when i realized the lines and traffic at valley fair would be too long and send me into an internalized rage. i made the right choice because there turned out to be a shooting there that day. anyways, the first thing i did was step into ministry of scent where i bought a full bottle of dirty flower factory by kerosene, along with 3 complimentary samples of unknown pleasures, follow, and little secret by imaginary authors. i bought some baudelaire books from dog-eared bookstore, and i bought my very first taxidermy piece at paxton gate! i bought this one of a kind woodland fairy mouse made by classic mouse parade. i'm still coming up with a name. i also bought a velvet jacket and an olive silk cotton fairy skirt from afterlife collective, a lovely curated vintage shop that surprisingly had a lot of high quality knitwear and leather jackets for a decent price. there were a couple of drunk girls at the shop trying to flirt with and get attention from the cashier and it made me cringe really bad and it was sorta disturbing the peace i was having while shopping. they also brought their dog into the shop, who barked constantly and it was scary. god, i cannot stand the obnoxious dog culture in SF.
i wore my piano jsk and a wig i accidentally bought in a lighter shade of brown than i intended:
- wavytalk thermal brush
- new set of contacts
- wool socks
- high-quality bras
- la roche posay suncreen
- NYX Ever or Mauve lipliner
- retinol (for oily nose)
- plaid / wool skirts
- warm trenchcoat
- leather jacket
- comfy leather boots
- luggage x2
- macbook
- scarf (silk or wool)
- gloves
- tailored trousers
- tailored white blouse(s)
- wool lined leggings/tights
- thermal wear leggings(?)
- brown eyeliner, brown mascara
- concealer that actually matches
- seiko quartz watch
- dirty flower factory
- l'eau d'hiver
- natural lashes
- cute pajama sets
- leather purse
- extra shoes are actually walkable for >2 hours
- konjac jelly packs
- more hair mascara
- dry shampoo
my ssri medication has enabled me to reach a state of near-asexuality, enabling me to transcend myself. i have been on ssri's since 2022(?).
- things to obsess over
- fashion / wardrobe, and beauty
- weight loss + health
- travel
- making money (selling old wardrobe on depop)
- art, music, poetry, photography, books
- things to let go of
- social media
- spending too much time on neocities
- what other people think
- fitting in
i am jealous of those online hermits who have a rich collection of online media on their rateyourmusic.com profile, last.fm, goodreads, letterboxd, etc. i always wonder how they have enough time to devour that amount of content. i came across a well-known rateyourmusic user who has 1,653 books logged and 2,487 films watched, not to mention countless playlists of obscure music. and he is younger than me. genuinely, how do you have the time to consume that much content? do these people work or have responsibilities or any life outside the internet? i do not mean that in an insulting way, i just wish i had the time to focus on my interests that deeply. i also wonder what it's like to have a conversation with someone who has read over 1,000 books including poetry, classic literature, and esoteric philosophy, no self help bullshit. they must be enlighteningly smart at that point right? pic related:
the usage of psychedelic mushrooms in the context of raves and large festivals is spiritually Israeli and spiritually colonial. especially given the history of the usage of psychedelic mushrooms in indigenous cultures, primarily, in indigenous Mexican cultures. they were used as a spiritual sacrament until it was popularized whenever Americans and Europeans started traveling to these areas and brought these substances over to their home countries without the consent of the indigenous cultures there. and then popularizing this as a party drug, completely divorcing it from the respect and the sacramental aspects of engaging with these substances. and now you wonder why you got people going to raves like “i took so many mushrooms and i had an ego death and i threw up and i threw up everywhere” and you fucking wonder why you have these kinds of reactions. you're engaging with something that needs respect, but you don't give it. you don't give it the respect it deserves. that's all.
- today before my shift started i was reading about st. teresa of avila again, and how certain forms of meditation, prayer, and asceticism lead to states similar to what we would now call "delirium" or "starvation-induced euphoria" or a "psychotic episode".
- today a coworker had remarked to me how fast i type without looking at the keyboard. i didn't realize it's because of how much i write.
- i felt a huge sense of relief ever since i uninstalled instagram.
i hate how no matter what you do as a woman, some aspect of you will always be objectified or sexualized by some man. a woman could literally just *exist* and men would still find a way to somehow sexualize it. i wish i could disappear from men's eyes or turn myself invisible somehow at will.
i get uncomfortable when people ask me if i want kids one day or if i'm planning to. it has always felt like an invasive question to me but i know it is super normalized to talk about your kids, having kids, etc. i know i'm the strange one here. anyways, i don't know what to say to the question. the truth is that i never, ever, want children, and that is absolutely final. but being a young woman who does not want children is a taboo thing in our society and i know it'll only be met with: "you'll change your mind when you get older," or vague passive-aggressive jabs. so i don't even bother anymore. i just tell people something vague like: "yeah one day" because it's easier than trying to explain myself and my spiritual beliefs on birth, and why our society is actually collapsing under capitalism and i do not want my children to suffer. i think that being a mom would turn me insane. as in, my maternal emotions would feel so strong it would drive me mad. i learned quickly that i could never work in L&D or NICU as it leads me into a sort of neuroticism as i obsess over the primoridal womb, over the trauma of birth, how women are the closest thing to the divine (in my honest opinion) due to our ability to create life, and how men don't even deserve us. i have a profound respect for birth. during my OB rotation in nursing school, i was reading simone de beauvoir's the second sex and that had a huge influence on my spiritual awe and reverence of birth.
the concept of birth touches so close to the spiritual, ancient mysteries and myths that it drives me into a neurotic state. the first time i witnessed a c-section as a nursing student, i was left in tears at what i had witnessed because it felt so spiritual to me. i could not stop reading Otto Rank's The Trauma of Birth, highlighting every passage, and getting chills down my spine. sorry to be dramatic. i view birth and life as something deeply sacred to the point that it terrifies me. i wouldn't say i'm an anti-natalist. my horror of having children doesn't stem from a political viewpoint but more of a mystical one. kind of like how i am scared to ever try psychedelics. it's something that i feel i will never be ready for. i also have a deep fear of the ways my body will mutate and change during pregnancy and all the risks associated with it. i like having control over my body.
i feel like not many people would understand where i'm coming from. i would just come off as strange and/or crazy because i feel like people don't think this deeply into it nor care to, which is perfectly fine. i feel like a lot of my true thoughts in general would come off as schizo, which is why i prefer keeping to myself. maybe that's why concepts of birth and death feel so personal to me.
humans are infinitely complex, and I’ve often found myself hurt by people who either projected their own insecurities onto me or treated me without dignity or consideration. i adore and respect people who are first and foremost considerate as i try my best to do the same for others. i don’t want to intrude myself into other people’s lives or thoughts nor create problems, as there are enough in this world. i try my best not to project my issues out into the world even at my lowest points.
the struggle is my desire and expectation that people will treat me with dignity and respect instead of treating me in ways to make themselves feel superior or authoritative over me. is it the way i look, the way i carry myself? *no*. I’ve realized it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with that person and their own inner battles, self denials, and traumas.
the hardest thing is having empathy and compassion for people who deliberately choose to hurt me or make themselves feel superior to me. to let it roll and slide off my back, completely stoic and unaffected. there have been people i trusted who only go on to backstab me and treat me like i am below them or incompetent. this has happened to me since childhood. stoicism is something i am learning to practice throughout my career and in my encounters with other adult human beings. I don’t think of it as not having a backbone, it’s having such a solid foundation of self worth that no one words or actions could make me feel less than. i can be strong, i am strong.
it’s also not about appearing tough or unbothered. it can be easy to pretend. i still want to remain true to myself and not build myself on lies. i still want to remain kind and empathetic even at the risk of it making me appear weak, fragile, or naive. if people perceive me that way, it is projection, and again has nothing to do with who i am, as people are only seeing one side of me.
the world has become so numb to atrocities, so alienated, so callous… the toxicities have leaked and seeped onto me. i realized all of that this year, as i was thrust into a completely new lifestyle i was ultimately ill-prepared for, and no one could prepare me for. It turned me so cynical, so nihilistic, that I contemplated death many times after reading conspiracy against the human race (i do not recommend this book especially for people who already struggle with nihilistic thoughts). but that doesn’t make me weak or anything. I feel things too deeply. I think too much. that’s a running theme of my life.
but it’s also a gift. as i feel the patterns enmeshed in everyday interactions with people, and i can *see* into someone’s psyche without really trying, and at times it makes me feel closer to them without them realizing, even if they have wronged me, because i see myself in them, a part of myself, or even my past self. If not, i feel sorry for them. people interest me so much. I have always found myself to be an outsider because of this. I often walk around the world feeling like an alien, but I’ve embraced it and been okay with it. it’s not that there’s anything particularly atrocious about myself. I am nothing special. but it’s always something I’ve known since i was born.
many nights like this: dreary, drained, and sucked dry from an exhausting one-way dialogue. conversations where i took the role of a friend-turned-therapist, a lending ear, a validation-machine, something to talk at, not convene with, and nothing more. one of these nights, i stepped out of her car and said my goodbyes out of pure obligation. a goodbye that was tinged with resentment and exhaustion, with a forced upper-inflection of a “goodbye!” where it feels painful to even utter it because your social battery is completely depleted to where you're running on fumes and it feels like a madness. i was exhausted, exhausted by her droning about her ex-boyfriend, tired of the same spirals, her needless obsessions with him, the same drama on repeat for years with no progress. there was nothing i could say to help, no matter how hard i tried to be there for her forever. and the resentment i felt at her trash-talking the people she’d be laughing with the next morning, not to mention all the ways she dumped her childhood trauma onto me, like a box she kept handing back to me every time i tried to set it down.
i gave up. i gave up on us. i gave up on her. i realized my self worth, i no longer wanted to feel used in friendships anymore.
i drove my truck into the night, not knowing where i was going. as long as i was far away from her, anything to feel myself centered once again. i parked in a pitch black park in some forested neighborhood made up of upper middle class tech yuppies in the backwoods of Los Gatos, dimly lit by moonlight and grey clouds.
stepping outside in the cold misty air, i smoked my navy blue american spirit while listening to city moon by love spirals downwards on my skullcandy headphones. i stared at the clouds in motion, drifting overhead ceaselessly in tune with God.
i pondered in the dark, staring at my warm breath evaporating in the cold air.
time…
felt an inkling of myself again….
slowly centered, crawling into me again,
until i gathered who i was again.
time…
Fully centered. splendid.
it was that night i knew i was never meant to have many friends. it was that night i found i could only handle socializing in small doses. the cold, purple, cloudy midnight sky… so beautiful, so crisp, eternal. surrounding me, in the dark, staring at the empty street and getting chills from the faint howl of a coyote in the distance, i felt at peace with myself. oneness. my solitude, my loneliness, my favorite thing in the world, so rich and vivid, an innerness of a million multitudes. the one thing that will never escape me, no matter how the external world forces me to change. it felt so nice to be away from everyone, addictive even. if i had the means, i would’ve disappeared altogether from everyone i knew.
11/12
last night I wrote 6 poems at 1 AM on a whim after having a spark of inspiration inside my food-messy bedroom. i have always wanted to create, create something, anything. for me it was this blog, so personal to me, but even then it lacks my most innermost reflections due to major privacy concerns and lurkers.
the most important thing for me is inspiration. who inspires me? the band algebra suicide, Radiohead, gertrude stein, barbara kruger, jenny holzer, spoken poetry by lydia lunch, late nights under moonlight, gentle cigarette smoke, burning desire (not for someone, but for some thing), incongruity between the external world and the self, a moment of pure “noticing,” attention, awareness, elsa von freytag-loringhoven.
i must write at least one poem, short story, or non-fiction reflection a day. even if my writing sucks. i need some sort of creative outlet in order to survive
11/11
trying to be a kinder or more compassionate person is something you commit to every day and isn’t something that comes naturally for women and I’m tired of men pretending it is and that they aren’t capable of it. don’t waste your any of your time on men who treat empathy and emotional intelligence as some meaningless, woman-centric flaw. to be emotionally intelligent is one of the most important parts of being a human being and they will try to convince you otherwise and condescend you into the ground, but that changes nothing. there are all kinds of men that will mock you and pretend they are better than you because of how “rational” and “logical” they are but it’s a total farce. they aren’t emotionally intelligent but they are emotionally volatile and violent. dating a man who makes every excuse he can think of for why he doesn’t try to be a better person is like waiting around to be shot in both feet. value yourself more than that because you’re signing up for a life of emptiness, unfulfillment, and being belittled and devalued for your resolve.
10/29: LATERAL VIOLENCE
coming soon... notes: the term "lateral violence," franz fanon's "the wretched of the earth" and how oppressed people end up oppressing each other, internalized misogyny, woman-hatred, the hatred and stereotyping towards female-dominated careers and jobs, servitude,
10/7
Some people can look normal and even be popular in society and in their private lives they can be disgusting. You can't always tell.
my brain ~ 8/28
during certain periods of my life, my mind feels like a cursed thing. sometimes i overthink so hard that my thoughts start to have their own thoughts and i feel like i have multiple brains working at the same time. this happens the most when i am especially overstimulated by many things going on around me. being overstimulated by the world around me sometimes gives me a rush, because my brain goes into pure overdrive, pure immersing myself full-throttle into my surroundings, making me forget my own self-consciousness. or is this just normal and how most people think? except i am aware of the way my frontal cortex, hippocampus, amygdala, nerves and all working together? the amygdala being aware of my surroundings, of sounds, of smells, of the particular way others are around me so that i can gauge how to interact: wary for signs of threat and where safety is. subconsciously striving for homeostasis in any particular environment. my frontal cortex navigating complex situations and problem solving, interactions, coming up with the perfect responses to different scenarios i run into. the description of how my amygdala and reptilian brain navigate through life only remind me of states of meditation. when i meditate i take in all the sensory input around me and condense it into a sort of relaxed hypnosis or taoist state, where thoughts float away like water. i feel boundless. i feel infinite. my brain and nerves work ad-infitinum just so i can experience life. is that not the most miraculous thing?
there's no words to describe ~ 8/28
there's no words i can use to accurately describe what it feels like to have half of your mind still in touch with reality, at least enough to be somewhat self-aware that you are losing yourself, and the other half experiencing a full-fledged panic attack teetering on delusions and dreadful paranoia, fearful that others are out to hurt you and that seemingly small things are divine symbols and signs from God. i would say the closest description to this experience would be gilles deleuze and félix guattari's "Body Without Organs" (BWO):
there is a sort of disorganization of the ordinary structure of self. the feeling of panic verging on psychosis is both terrifying and involuntary, while the BWO is theorized as a philosophical/creative rupture.
intensity without form: the panic attacks are pure intensity, heart racing, sweating, terror. without a clear object. the BWO is described similarly: flows of energy without the usual organizing systems.
pattern overload/dissolution: in psychosis, pattern recognition overloads. everything connects to everything until meaning collapses. the BWO is also about undoing rigid connections to allow new ones.
ambivalence of freedom/terror: for deleuze & guattari, the BWO can be liberating or destructive. similarly, panic-psychosis feels like being annihilated (destructive), but also like touching some raw, unmediated reality. the feeling of touching another boundless reality no longer connected to social constructs and materiality is what terrified me, with the feeling of death and destruction leaving me off balance, unable to function in normal daily situations.
unmooring from the “self”: both experiences can involve losing the boundaries between self/world, inside/outside, control/uncontrol.
i wish i looked cute in baby bangs ~ 8/26
i've been experimenting with my style lately and figuring out what looks best on me. i tried multiple times to cut my bangs into baby bangs. but every time, it makes me face look rounder and fatter, and overall look frumpy/silly to where i can't even take myself seriously in the mirror. short hair with baby bangs makes me look insanely young and cutesy to the point where i feel completely de-sexualized and unfeminine, basically less of a woman and more like a child. i realized that as much as i'd love to be the type of girl who's a true winter and can pull off baby bangs, mauve lipstick, and the color black, i was always meant for: side bangs, browns/creams/pastels, and hot pink/red lipstick. i just look silly with baby bangs, even though they are the epitome of what i feel i represent.
i've had to be more honest about the way i should style myself. yes i love wearing black but truthfully, the color black swallows me whole and overwhelms me. i look softer and cuter with browns, reds, and pastel colors. i was meant for a softer look rather than bold. i want to own a black rick owens leather jacket so badly, and i'm trying to figure out how i will pull that off? i think i still can: with dark red lipstick, leather boots, skinny trousers, and heavy black eyeliner. but most of all to take on my alter ego and throw away all sense of "demureness" "niceness" and care for the world. i noticed when i wear black something about it feels unnatural for me these days. i am not a winter in terms of color analysis. if i were to take my best guess, i'd say i'm more of a true summer.
- what looks cute on me:
- cool browns, creams, ivory, peach, light pinks, lavender, baby blue, mint. i can pull off black *sometimes* depending on the way i style it and the fabric + fit
- silver jewelry, nothing rugged or heavy
- heels. heels. heels. and leather boots that are NOT chunky or platform
- my hair in a bun, or with slight waves
- side bangs, or bangs that are slightly pushed to the side
- hot pink lipstick, neutral red lipstick
- babydoll dresses, sweetheart necklines, anything flowy
- rectangular shaped glasses
- hoop earrings, pearl earrings
- pink blush
- mori-kei, sweet and classic lolita, himekaji, old-school jfashion, gyaru, cyberdoll, living doll aesthetic, visual kei, some y2k styles (*not* juicy couture or tacky neon colors), choco girl, coastal cowgirl or western styles (look oddly amazing on me)
- gothic: only if a lot of white colors are incorporated on top of OTT goth makeup (white foundation), otherwise it looks odd on me
- silver/glitter eyeshadow
- velvet fabrics, gobelin, wool, lace
- skirts that either end above the knee or mid-thigh
- what looks off on me (or what i don't feel good wearing):
- coral colored makeup
- dark red, brown, mauve, nude, or warm toned lipsticks
- fishnets, heavily patterned fabrics, gold, mesh
- light colored contacts
- circle-shaped glasses
- plum colors and jewel tones
- mermaidcore/coconut girl, most goth styles, office siren, avant garde, visual kei, bohemian, cottagecore, e-girl, fairy grunge, kidcore, dark academia, clean girl. coquette or dollette (oversaturated and giving shein/fast fashion)
- baggy pants
- chunky platforms, sneakers, ballet flats
- v-necks, denim jackets, bell bottoms
- any dark, warm-toned, neon, or heavy eyeshadow
- most false eyelashes (sadly make my eyes look smaller or droopier, can weigh my face down and make me look old)
- baby bangs or a middle part
- most bodycon dresses or bodycon skirts, and anything showing a lot of cleavage
- olive greens and khakis
- maxi skirts, long skirts. always makes me look shorter and frumpy
- anything trendy or fast fashion. streetwear.
5/26/25
"Thou shalt not wear raschel-topped socks with a torchon lace blouse"
5/26/25
[redacted for privacy]
5/26/25
[redacted for privacy]
5/24/25
last night i dreamt i was sharing a cigarette with my friend K. it was hard not to resist. i have a feeling i might cave in soon after being smoke free for 5 months the second i go near an underground rave.
yesterday at work i encountered gangrene for the first time, and i performed wound care on it. the smell was so bad i felt like i was dying and imagery of death and necrosis and bodily fluids conjured up in my mind. i found it interesting, honestly. it made me think of world war I, or a Junji Ito book. when i got home, i decided to read voraciously about gangrene as if it was some horror novel. the human body is so fascinating and horrifying. i am going to start bringing a tiny bottle of peppermint oil to work. i had another patient eating her own feces and it brought back memories of working at a SNF before i started nursing school.
i haven't been reading any books lately, as i seem to have misplaced my kindle. i'm realizing i vastly prefer non-fiction over fiction but the tradeoff is that non-fiction is more difficult for me to digest and takes longer for me to read. i like the idea of being the type of girl who reads fiction books by kafka and dostoevsky, but naturally i gravitate more towards neitszche, simone de beauvoir, freude, and carl jung... i love love love existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.
i'm really excited to go to fanime tomorrow for the j-fashion / lolita event! i'm debating whether i should wear my Symphonia of Birds coord or my Dream Fantastic Balloon coord. I'm hoping to buy a few accessories + jewelry, attend the EGL fashion show, take lots of pics, and go to an underground rave after.
5/22/25
"you're too nice, you're too sweet"
my response: everything in our society is designed to destroy compassion and empathy because if you suddenly understood all the suffering in the world and your interconnectedness to it all, you'd fall to your knees and weep in the streets.
5/21/25
you said my stare was too intense. i stare because i want to see you, i want my pupils to be your nest. i want your pupils to be my nest. i want to crawl inside you so that you finally understand. so that we're not alone. so that you finally see me. my deepest need is to be seen, because i see everything
5/19/25 ~ my brain is a cursed thing
for the past 3 days, i have been unable to sleep for more than 5-6 hours. i haven't been able to fall asleep until 5-6 AM and i wake up at 11-12. sometimes i think so much, that my thoughts start to have thoughts and it becomes meta ad infinitum until reality starts to feel odd, startling, or dream-like. it makes it difficult to sleep. this used to happen when i worked at a nursing home full time and barely slept because of having to wake up at 5 am every morning (i am not a morning person). i started having nightmares about the residents and my interactions with the world didn't feel real. it was scary and eery, but strangely exciting and similar to a dissociative state. in actuality i was extremely sleep deprived, which usually causes my brain to wander off into a creative state at the expense of my attention to external stimuli. at one point, i hadn't slept for 2 days after a punk show, on top of going to work, and by nighttime i was having full-fledged hallucinations while staring at my wall, and i was hearing conversations as if i had schizophrenia. brain turned into mush, but i felt so intensely creative, although completely dysfunctional at that point.
anyhow, my mode of being has felt weird lately. my anti-anxiety meds have finally kicked in fully and i can function pretty well in daily living and social interactions now, and i finally feel like "myself" again, BUT i start to have weird fantastical feelings where even the most mundane moments feel dreamy. i think it stems from my generalized anxiety and neuroticism.
in terms of "practical adult life", i have become aware of how unabashedly horrible with money i am. first, i have a shopping addiction, and before working i would usually thrift with the little allowance i had. now, i have an income and in the span of one week i have spent over $1000 on fashion alone, here is what i bought:
- List in order:
- Moi Meme Moitie Lace Pattern OTKs ~ $49
- Dolls Party - Newspaper Doll Pillowcase purse ~ $30
- BTSSB Little Red Riding Hood Rosy Cape ~ $76
- Black Peace Now Bustier Vest ~ $108
- L'est Rose Fairycore Babydoll Dress ~ $66
- Irregular Choice Women's Brown Boots ~ $551
- Moi Meme Moitie Cotton Lace Pintuck OP ~ $294
- Metamorphose Flower Lace Coat with Cape ~ $96
- Generaiderz Magazine Issue 3 ~ $30
5/10/25 ~ disneyland can wait
today i witnessed the physical manifestations of my state of mind. i decided to dress really cute today, with my black floral dress bought from japan, knee high leather boots, a heart choker, a pair of lace gloves. i listened to disney land can wait by boyd rice and i felt back in touch with my true self again. when i have spent so much waking time in a state of autopilot, in a state of not being my true self due to societal expectations and being at work, i begin to lose my sense of identity and feel lost as to who i am again. i did things that made me realize myself again, and i felt happy. i walked back in my room and saw how my depression manifested: dirty and old tea cups on my vanity table, dirty clothes all over the floor to the point i can barely walk, bedding that hasn't been washed, a general sad and depressing state for a 24 year old girl's room to be in. it wasn't always like this. i am thinking of increasing the dosage of my anti-depressants. in general, i get very depressed when i repress who i am for long enough. i want to read and write more, code more, go to sf everyday like i used to. i just don't have the energy anymore. today will be different.
disney land can wait
someday i'll take you to disneyland
we'll go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and follow him straight to hell
but that's not necessary just now
for now hell's all around us
now rubber devils, no smell of sulfur
but hell nonetheless
hell more grotesque than any medieval woodcut
instead of dramatic demons: a lifeless shuffling horde
without souls, without imagination, without worth
and beyond redemption
someday i'll take you to Disneyland
i'll buy you a pair of mouse-ears
tons of cotton candy
and a big helium balloon with Mickey inside
but all that can wait
today i'll buy you a 357. magnum, with lots and lots of bullets
i'll buy you a stack of AK-47's, and a warehouse filled with banana clips
all loaded, and ready to go
i'll buy you a B52 loaded with neutron bombs
and lots of soldiers, to do whatever is necessary
disneyland can wait
we have time
someday there'll be more of us
maybe then the world can be Disneyland
and visiting hell will be noble again
5/10/25
[redacted for privacy]
4/18/25 ~ big purchase.
i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.
Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:
- Some other things I recently bought:
- Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
- BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
- BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.
4/13/25 ~ another list of my likes/dislikes.
- i like
- the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
- people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
- peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning
- i dislike
- obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
- people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
- over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...
4/13/25 ~ my problem with the mbti system.
i cannot take myers-briggs or any of these pseudo-psychology pop-science personality tests seriously anymore. i hate being put into a box and having my personality defined by a quiz i take. we are all much more multifaceted than that. a lot of people don't know who they are, or why they feel so profoundly alienated, so they attempt to find an identity by ascribing to terms and definitions: introverted vs. extroverted, type a vs. type b, feeler vs. thinker. based on the mbti, i am an infj. i have consistently always gotten this 4 letter result, but i hate the box it forces me in, as i am not always a "sensitive feeler" in every given situation. i stopped caring about mbti pop-psychology the second that corporations started using it and advertising it.
4/13/25
i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.
4/10/25
[redacted for privacy]
4/8/25 ~ things i like.
- that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
- romanticizing small and mundane things
- the album: velocity : design : comfort...
4/8/25 ~ things i dislike.
- being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
- the term "coquette"
- "networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.
4/8/25 ~ reality feels like a dream.
when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.
3/29/2025 ~ i feel very lucky
i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"
3/26/2025 ~ [redacted]
[redacted for privacy]
3/13/2025
the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!
3/1/2025
i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.
2/28/2025
this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.
2/13/2025
[redacted for privacy]
2/06/2025
i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.
2/05/2025
i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!
the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.
i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.
2/04/2025
:3 nvm i feel better
2/02/2025
"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth
as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.
for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...
2/01/2025
today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.
1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.
2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.
1/31/2025
today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.