10/29:

coming soon... notes: the term "lateral violence," franz fanon's "the wretched of the earth" and how oppressed people end up oppressing each other, internalized misogyny, woman-hatred, the hatred and stereotyping towards female-dominated careers and jobs, servitude,

coming soon... notes: my struggles with being friends with fellow heterosexual women in relationships

coming soon... notes: why pickleball is a psy-op, why i will not be friends with anyone who plays pickleball un-ironically, why this makes me pretentious and why i do not care if it makes me pretentious. how pickleball is associated with a certain demographic of people that i want to avoid: techbros, normies who never talk about palestine or politics, people who are in blissful ignorance, people who live in their own ignorant little suburban bubble

coming soon... notes: alice. briseida. trigger warning: r*pe and molestation. again, a prime example of why having male friends is a psy-op, and how they betray you with no hesitation, because they have already dehumanized before you realized it 10 years later.

coming soon... notes: an ex-friend who would constantly talk about she thinks she is autistic despite having amazing social skills, ability to read social cues and maintain great eye contact, has a lot of friends, etc., how her tik tok and chatgpt addiction played into her self-diagnosis of autism. me questioning why people are trying to out-autism each other when we damn well know they would bully actual autistic people

coming soon...

I’ve decided to write this to be able to document the ways in which I have witnessed and faced bullying, cruelty, and prejudice from a certain individual, to the likes of which I have doubted my self worth. How being in her presence has been enough to influence me in negative ways, making me doubt my own moral judgements. The purpose of writing this is as a therapeutic exercise to both strengthen my belief in myself and stand firm on what my intuition has always known. This is not meant to be anything formal, but an analysis of seeing bigotry within a human being take place right in front of me. I even question myself as I write this: Why give so much thought and importance to someone who doesn’t deserve an inkling of my brain power? My goal here is to type out everything: all my bottled up thoughts, emotions, and complicated feelings that have pent up in me, and to move on and forget about this all once I have finished getting it all out.

I first met this person, let's call her M, in Spring of 2022 during one of my clinical rotations. During that time I didn’t really know many people from the cohort and mostly kept to myself. I, being human and enmeshed in my own patterns, boxed my classmates into certain categories, and I viewed her as one of the more popular and "liked" students: involved in multiple nursing organizations and clubs, goes to raves with classmates, seems to have a lot of friends and her own clique. This categorization was accurate, and I mistakenly assumed that she must be a redeemable person if she has so many friends and community involvement, right? However, I now understand deeply that humans are much more multifaceted and complex than any assumptions I could have, and I was proven that quite forcibly from this experience. I have learned many lessons from this. I distinctly remember my first interaction with M: she was bubbly and friendly to me with a hint of sass. I first felt a bit intimidated by her, but after out first interaction I felt she’s the type to defend you from others or offer you a seat and assurance. That was my first impression of her, but it was clear my mind decided to ignore the gut instinct signaling “mean girl” and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I decided to see the good in her. During this semester our interactions were pretty uneventful. We’d talk a few times during our downtime in clinicals, and there wasn’t anything noteworthy I remember except 2 things:

This is the first time she mentioned another friend named S to me. She said I remind her of a “former friend” who she no longer talks to because that friend is anorexic. This former friend was S, and I reminded M of her due to my alternative interests and views. The first red flag that I didn’t notice here was, why was she so quick to tell me S's personal business? Was S really ok with someone talking about her mental health so openly like that?

I remember mistakenly being trusting and open, as I usually am towards others: I told M (during this time), that I loved to drink a lot and kind of had an issue with alcohol. This will be relevant later.

Fast forward to the end of 2023, by this point I’ve already met and befriended S and we’ve hung out as a trio at least once. I’d like to delve into some of the major red flags I encountered in M and some in S, that I ended up second guessing myself.

Our first hang out as a trio: I invited and drove the 3 of us to see a movie. My goal was that I wanted to meet S and scope out whether I can see myself being closer friends with the two of them. First HUGE red flag: M, in my own car, starts making violent and cruel jokes about homeless people and children as we are driving in SF. She makes jokes about earning “+100 points for shooting that homeless woman, 10 points for killing that homeless child.” Internally, I was both shocked and absolutely disgusted that someone who is going to be a FUCKING NURSE is saying such horrendous things. Aren’t nurses supposed to have empathy and compassion for those in our society at their lowest? How can one be so cruel about marginalized people when you are entering a profession where you will be in direct contact with many houseless people and likely taking care of them? I was speechless, and again, had no self respect and decided to go along with it. Keep in mind that S was not only going along with it, but joking about it as well. This cruel human wants to be a nurse that works with mothers and babies, and yet she makes jokes like this with no hesitation.

As we start walking towards the theater, we start talking about different types of asian foods. The topic of filipino food gets brought up, and I mention how you really don’t see that many filipino restaurants in SF. and she boldly and nonchalantly exclaims: “That’s being filipino food tastes like shit.” to my face. It is one thing to be racist. But it’s another thing to lack emotional intelligence and social awareness, so that you feel unashamed and not embarrassed to loudly exclaim to an actual filipino that the food in her own culture is garbage. Extremely weird and lacking social skills much? Again, I would never want this person as my nurse. How is she gonna feel when her Filipino tita nurses and CNA’s are bringing in lumpia and pancit to nursing potlucks in her breakrooms? Is she gonna sit there, miserable and with no taste for seasoning, not eating it? Telling them to their face is “tastes bad”? Is she ever gonna think back on this comment she said to me if she ever eats Filipino food? I highly doubt it.

Another one of our hangouts as a trio was when we went to go thrifting and go eat out afterwards.

During our meal, M starts mocking S and calling her fat when S wants to get a to-go box. This issue might be more nuanced because I understand that people communicate differently in friendships, especially in such a close friendship where you’ve known them for more than 10 years and you are like siblings. Still, I took note of this for a few reasons. First, M knows that S struggled heavily with anorexia, wouldn’t she stop to think that might be insensitive to someone who has dealt with an eating disorder? I feel like this would be common sense. Second, I myself struggle with an eating disorder, and I felt like I was the fattest one out of the 3 of us. If S's fat, then what am I? The comment unintentionally made ME feel shitty and triggered.

M spent a lot of this day speaking badly and gossiping about another one of our nursing classmates named T. I found this to be a red flag because despite anything T has ever done, I didn’t think it warranted this amount of vitriol towards another woman. I also found it hypocritical because in this same conversation, M was touting about how she is a “girls girl” while T is a “pickme,” whilst ironically, M is putting down another woman instead of offering any sympathy, understanding, or forgiveness. T has never shown herself to me to be a racist, prejudiced, or fatphobic person, traits of which I’d deem way worse morally than something as simple as “she copied my Linkedin profile” or “she wore my clothes and stretched them out.” (this comment btw seemed like a convenient excuse to fatshame T.) Albeit, I don’t know T very well and I can’t say these things for a fact. Yes, T's behavior in those aspects are problematic but why dump out all that business onto me, someone who doesn’t know her and can’t hear both sides? It is another example of someone who has nothing better to do with her life, and no other interests, besides talking about people’s business and making herself feel superior.

The play...

During the car ride to see a play, M makes comments about how Governor Newsom will help “eradicate” all the homeless people. Again, why so much emphasis on erasing the lives of human beings who happen to not have a place to live? How dare they exist in your vicinity, right? You, in your cozy fucking suburban upper middle class home in the epitome of Fremont suburbia. I don’t think any patient would want her as their nurse if they knew this, unless said patient was a Trump supporter or Nazi (M, with no self awareness, hates Trumpies when meanwhile she acts like one). Again, silence from S.

Took lots of pics at the play and at the Hotel. Took note that M posted no photos that contained me or my friend C there despite us being in group pics. but only posted pics of herself and S, as if we weren’t there. Only posted unflattering photo of me on close friends without my permission (another example of jabs towards me which she has done multiple times, I will dive into later).

When we went to get cocktails, apparently the ethnicity of my boyfriend is this huge fucking deal to them, and I knew that M would immediately say the most disgusting racist thing in her puny brain since hate is all she can thrive off of. I mentioned my boyfriend, and not even his race or anything, but S jumps to immediately tell M hE’s iNdIAn BtW and M yells “OMG STINKY INDIAN MAN!!!” and starts making extremely racist and degrading comments about green card marriage, visas, etc. S is obviously trying to save safe at this point by exclaiming to M that he’s actually perfect for me and good and stuff but at it’s past the point of return. I would have actually appreciated it if S had stood up against her close friend she’s known for 10+ years to tell her that it’s not ok to say that to any human being, let alone a friend. At this point I'm in shock and disbelief but I have no idea what to say, I feel anguished and traumatized. I try to brush it off and act like everything is ok, and that it’s totally understandable that she would say that bc India as a country does have issues and whatever, but it’s not ok, nothing about that was ok. everything else after that is a blur and I bottle my emotions up to have fun.

An occurrence after I drop off C, an extreme sign of how horrible M made me feel: I drop C off home, and I’m still so deeply stressed and angered by M outright and unabashed racism that I have to park at a nearby elementary school at 11 PM at night and scream, cry, call my boyfriend and tell him everything, the sense of powerlessness, the outright normalization of racism and prejudice against colored people, and the proud arrogance of people like her who lives in their suburbs ignorant of the centuries of oppression and genocide that my partner’s ancestors had to face due the exact line of thinking that M proudly projects out into the world. During this phone call, I became deeply aware of a few things:

M and people like her, act in this way in order to appeal to and become more like the oppressor. In other words, she deep downs wishes that she were white. It made so much sense to me given her views and the way she dresses. She hates herself and projects it onto everything else.

M and S are extremely immature people who for some reason think it's ok to say that around me, which made me reflect on my own behavior and why I have decided to put up with this for so long. I realized I deserve so much better and that I did absolutely nothing wrong

I look back on this night and realize the pain I was feeling was proof of my own humanity, empathy, compassion for people, and soul. I look back and happy that I felt these things so deeply. I would have rather felt that pain than live in the ignorant bliss M lives in. Nothing can take that away from me.

Our last hangout, the last straw, and hopefully the last time I will ever see her again.

I go to a mutual friend's birthday party and she happens to be invited there as well since they are both nurses. Despite my building resentment for M, I still try to play it safe and get along with her, again giving her the benefit of the doubt. We're trying to drink and have shots and right in front of my face, she tells her friend who I just met that "she has a problem with alcohol if you know what i mean" Proudly spreading my personal business to someone I barely even know. It hurt. I don't even struggle with alcoholism at all anymore and am doing so much better yet she continues to bring this up to use against me or humiliate me in front of others. This brought back to me all the little comments and negs she's said towards me: about my eating disorder, about me being "weak", about my taste in fashion, my looks, my "smell". Just extremely rude and bullying behavior when all I've ever done was be kind and understanding to her. I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this and the only thing I can think of is either she is envious of me for some reason or again, thrives and feels better off of hurting others and feeling superior.

I realize after all this that I give people the benefit of the doubt so much and refused to believe she was this bad. I realized that it was due to fear. I was scared of her, scared of what she'd say about me if I dared contradict her, since clearly she doesn't hesitate to talk horribly of others and gossip about them. She reminded me so much of my abusive parent, like having to walk around eggshells constantly. She has a very strong narcissistic personality. I realized that bullies like her thrive off of fear and only surround themselves with people who are as shitty as them and enable them. Yeah she's "popular" but with whom, which crowd? Not good people, and certainly not people who care about humanity and have empathy. I decided to take back my power and realize what she says doesn't even matter when she doesn't truly know me. Writing all this made me realize how much I actually have and how much I could use against her if I ever had to, and there's nothing much she could say against me besides "alcohol use" and my eating disorder, both of which I think any sane human would just be concerned for me instead of using it to mock me. I have blocked her and S everywhere, want nothing to do with them, and I don't care about whatever they have to say to me. I'd rather ghost you than be a racist bigot like you. I'd rather be an "alcoholic" as you say than be a cruel, mean and miserable bully. You wanna know the most ironic thing? This person says she has a close relationship with God and tries to be a better person. What a fucking joke. Also, aren't nurses supposed to have empathy for people who are struggling? This person is the most judgmental and miserable piece of shit I've ever encountered, and that says a lot

Lastly, if you are the person in question and reading this, a huge fuck you to you. All you do is hurt the people around you, and despite how much you attempt to alleviate your guilt through going to church and "be close to God" you are the complete opposite of what God represents. Cope more. How about try and actually be a good person instead of attempting to cosplay as one through "seeking God"? It must truly suck to carry so much hate, pure projection of immense self-hatred. I feel sorry for you, honestly. I don't fuck with bigots and racists and you're probably happy I gained a spine and quietly removed myself from your life since you couldn't stand me for some reason (evident by your frequent jabs and bullying comments towards me). I still think your friend S has some hope of being a decent human being, its a shame she surrounds herself with bitter hateful bigots like yourself. It's honestly embarassing to carry the views you have in the year 2025, and even more embarassing that you chose such an honorable and empathetic profession despite being the most uncompassionate and prejudiced person in every radius possible. You are just like your Trumpie mom you can't stand. Shameful.

Also, your so-called "altruism" by being involved in the nursing clubs and giving to the homeless was all a performative moral facade for you to appear like a good person. I know what kind of person you really are: the first thing you do when we arrive in SF is making jokes about shooting and murdering all the homeless people and children. And you and S genuinely find that funny. Extremely pathetic, disgusting, and weird behavior. It's not just the overt bigotry, but the complete lack of social awareness or intelligence to feel it's acceptable and admirable to say that out loud to someone you're hanging out with for the first time outside of school (who btw is giving you a free ride). M and S often say the R word when describing others, when to be honest, it mostly describes themselves in actuality. Most bigots keep their offensive thoughts a secret. Only someone as backwards and dumb as M could make her racism and cruelty so overt to everyone around her. It's no surprise for me to find out that a lot of people actually dislike her despite her appearing "popular". It's all a facade. And every single person who is still friends with her either has no spine, or is equally as shitty as her. Remember friends: "A friend to all is a friend to none." My biggest mistake was making this person think it was ok to say those things around me due to my own spinelessness.

Some people can look normal and even be popular in society and in their private lives they can be disgusting. You can't always tell.

during certain periods of my life, my mind feels like a cursed thing. sometimes i overthink so hard that my thoughts start to have their own thoughts and i feel like i have multiple brains working at the same time. this happens the most when i am especially overstimulated by many things going on around me. being overstimulated by the world around me sometimes gives me a rush, because my brain goes into pure overdrive, pure immersing myself full-throttle into my surroundings, making me forget my own self-consciousness. or is this just normal and how most people think? except i am aware of the way my frontal cortex, hippocampus, amygdala, nerves and all working together? the amygdala being aware of my surroundings, of sounds, of smells, of the particular way others are around me so that i can gauge how to interact: wary for signs of threat and where safety is. subconsciously striving for homeostasis in any particular environment. my frontal cortex navigating complex situations and problem solving, interactions, coming up with the perfect responses to different scenarios i run into. the description of how my amygdala and reptilian brain navigate through life only remind me of states of meditation. when i meditate i take in all the sensory input around me and condense it into a sort of relaxed hypnosis or taoist state, where thoughts float away like water. i feel boundless. i feel infinite. my brain and nerves work ad-infitinum just so i can experience life. is that not the most miraculous thing?

there's no words i can use to accurately describe what it feels like to have half of your mind still in touch with reality, at least enough to be somewhat self-aware that you are losing yourself, and the other half experiencing a full-fledged panic attack teetering on delusions and dreadful paranoia, fearful that others are out to hurt you and that seemingly small things are divine symbols and signs from God. i would say the closest description to this experience would be gilles deleuze and félix guattari's "Body Without Organs" (BWO):

there is a sort of disorganization of the ordinary structure of self. the feeling of panic verging on psychosis is both terrifying and involuntary, while the BWO is theorized as a philosophical/creative rupture.

intensity without form: the panic attacks are pure intensity, heart racing, sweating, terror. without a clear object. the BWO is described similarly: flows of energy without the usual organizing systems.

pattern overload/dissolution: in psychosis, pattern recognition overloads. everything connects to everything until meaning collapses. the BWO is also about undoing rigid connections to allow new ones.

ambivalence of freedom/terror: for deleuze & guattari, the BWO can be liberating or destructive. similarly, panic-psychosis feels like being annihilated (destructive), but also like touching some raw, unmediated reality. the feeling of touching another boundless reality no longer connected to social constructs and materiality is what terrified me, with the feeling of death and destruction leaving me off balance, unable to function in normal daily situations.

unmooring from the “self”: both experiences can involve losing the boundaries between self/world, inside/outside, control/uncontrol.

i've been experimenting with my style lately and figuring out what looks best on me. i tried multiple times to cut my bangs into baby bangs. but every time, it makes me face look rounder and fatter, and overall look frumpy/silly to where i can't even take myself seriously in the mirror. short hair with baby bangs makes me look insanely young and cutesy to the point where i feel completely de-sexualized and unfeminine, basically less of a woman and more like a child. i realized that as much as i'd love to be the type of girl who's a true winter and can pull off baby bangs, mauve lipstick, and the color black, i was always meant for: side bangs, browns/creams/pastels, and hot pink/red lipstick. i just look silly with baby bangs, even though they are the epitome of what i feel i represent.

i've had to be more honest about the way i should style myself. yes i love wearing black but truthfully, the color black swallows me whole and overwhelms me. i look softer and cuter with browns, reds, and pastel colors. i was meant for a softer look rather than bold. i want to own a black rick owens leather jacket so badly, and i'm trying to figure out how i will pull that off? i think i still can: with dark red lipstick, leather boots, skinny trousers, and heavy black eyeliner. but most of all to take on my alter ego and throw away all sense of "demureness" "niceness" and care for the world. i noticed when i wear black something about it feels unnatural for me these days. i am not a winter in terms of color analysis. if i were to take my best guess, i'd say i'm more of a true summer.

what looks cute on me:
• cool browns, creams, ivory, peach, light pinks, lavender, baby blue, mint. i can pull off black *sometimes* depending on the way i style it and the fabric + fit
• silver jewelry, nothing rugged or heavy
• heels. heels. heels. and leather boots that are NOT chunky or platform
• my hair in a bun, or with slight waves
• side bangs, or bangs that are slightly pushed to the side
• hot pink lipstick, neutral red lipstick
• babydoll dresses, sweetheart necklines, anything flowy
• rectangular shaped glasses
• hoop earrings, pearl earrings
• pink blush
• mori-kei, sweet and classic lolita, himekaji, old-school jfashion, gyaru, cyberdoll, living doll aesthetic, visual kei, some y2k styles (*not* juicy couture or tacky neon colors), choco girl, coastal cowgirl or western styles (look oddly amazing on me)
• gothic: only if a lot of white colors are incorporated on top of OTT goth makeup (white foundation), otherwise it looks odd on me
• silver/glitter eyeshadow
• velvet fabrics, gobelin, wool, lace
• skirts that either end above the knee or mid-thigh

what looks off on me (or what i don't feel good wearing):
• coral colored makeup
• dark red, brown, mauve, nude, or warm toned lipsticks
• fishnets, heavily patterned fabrics, gold, mesh
• light colored contacts
• circle-shaped glasses
• plum colors and jewel tones
• mermaidcore/coconut girl, most goth styles, office siren, avant garde, visual kei, bohemian, cottagecore, e-girl, fairy grunge, kidcore, dark academia, clean girl. coquette or dollette (oversaturated and giving shein/fast fashion)
• baggy pants
• chunky platforms, sneakers, ballet flats
• v-necks, denim jackets, bell bottoms
• any dark, warm-toned, neon, or heavy eyeshadow
• most false eyelashes (sadly make my eyes look smaller or droopier, can weigh my face down and make me look old)
• baby bangs or a middle part
• most bodycon dresses or bodycon skirts, and anything showing a lot of cleavage
• olive greens and khakis
• maxi skirts, long skirts. always makes me look shorter and frumpy
• anything trendy or fast fashion. streetwear.

"Thou shalt not wear raschel-topped socks with a torchon lace blouse"

[redacted for privacy]

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last night i dreamt i was sharing a cigarette with my friend K. it was hard not to resist. i have a feeling i might cave in soon after being smoke free for 5 months the second i go near an underground rave.

yesterday at work i encountered gangrene for the first time, and i performed wound care on it. the smell was so bad i felt like i was dying and imagery of death and necrosis and bodily fluids conjured up in my mind. i found it interesting, honestly. it made me think of world war I, or a Junji Ito book. when i got home, i decided to read voraciously about gangrene as if it was some horror novel. the human body is so fascinating and horrifying. i am going to start bringing a tiny bottle of peppermint oil to work. i had another patient eating her own feces and it brought back memories of working at a SNF before i started nursing school.

i haven't been reading any books lately, as i seem to have misplaced my kindle. i'm realizing i vastly prefer non-fiction over fiction but the tradeoff is that non-fiction is more difficult for me to digest and takes longer for me to read. i like the idea of being the type of girl who reads fiction books by kafka and dostoevsky, but naturally i gravitate more towards neitszche, simone de beauvoir, freude, and carl jung... i love love love existential philosophy and psychoanalysis.

i'm really excited to go to fanime tomorrow for the j-fashion / lolita event! i'm debating whether i should wear my Symphonia of Birds coord or my Dream Fantastic Balloon coord. I'm hoping to buy a few accessories + jewelry, attend the EGL fashion show, take lots of pics, and go to an underground rave after.

"you're too nice, you're too sweet"

my response: everything in our society is designed to destroy compassion and empathy because if you suddenly understood all the suffering in the world and your interconnectedness to it all, you'd fall to your knees and weep in the streets.

you said my stare was too intense. i stare because i want to see you, i want my pupils to be your nest. i want your pupils to be my nest. i want to crawl inside you so that you finally understand. so that we're not alone. so that you finally see me. my deepest need is to be seen, because i see everything

for the past 3 days, i have been unable to sleep for more than 5-6 hours. i haven't been able to fall asleep until 5-6 AM and i wake up at 11-12. sometimes i think so much, that my thoughts start to have thoughts and it becomes meta ad infinitum until reality starts to feel odd, startling, or dream-like. it makes it difficult to sleep. this used to happen when i worked at a nursing home full time and barely slept because of having to wake up at 5 am every morning (i am not a morning person). i started having nightmares about the residents and my interactions with the world didn't feel real. it was scary and eery, but strangely exciting and similar to a dissociative state. in actuality i was extremely sleep deprived, which usually causes my brain to wander off into a creative state at the expense of my attention to external stimuli. at one point, i hadn't slept for 2 days after a punk show, on top of going to work, and by nighttime i was having full-fledged hallucinations while staring at my wall, and i was hearing conversations as if i had schizophrenia. brain turned into mush, but i felt so intensely creative, although completely dysfunctional at that point.

anyhow, my mode of being has felt weird lately. my anti-anxiety meds have finally kicked in fully and i can function pretty well in daily living and social interactions now, and i finally feel like "myself" again, BUT i start to have weird fantastical feelings where even the most mundane moments feel dreamy. i think it stems from my generalized anxiety and neuroticism.

in terms of "practical adult life", i have become aware of how unabashedly horrible with money i am. first, i have a shopping addiction, and before working i would usually thrift with the little allowance i had. now, i have an income and in the span of one week i have spent over $1000 on fashion alone, here is what i bought:

List in order:
• Moi Meme Moitie Lace Pattern OTKs ~ $49
• Dolls Party - Newspaper Doll Pillowcase purse ~ $30
• BTSSB Little Red Riding Hood Rosy Cape ~ $76
• Black Peace Now Bustier Vest ~ $108
• L'est Rose Fairycore Babydoll Dress ~ $66
• Irregular Choice Women's Brown Boots ~ $551
• Moi Meme Moitie Cotton Lace Pintuck OP ~ $294
• Metamorphose Flower Lace Coat with Cape ~ $96
• Generaiderz Magazine Issue 3 ~ $30

today i witnessed the physical manifestations of my state of mind. i decided to dress really cute today, with my black floral dress bought from japan, knee high leather boots, a heart choker, a pair of lace gloves. i listened to disney land can wait by boyd rice and i felt back in touch with my true self again. when i have spent so much waking time in a state of autopilot, in a state of not being my true self due to societal expectations and being at work, i begin to lose my sense of identity and feel lost as to who i am again. i did things that made me realize myself again, and i felt happy. i walked back in my room and saw how my depression manifested: dirty and old tea cups on my vanity table, dirty clothes all over the floor to the point i can barely walk, bedding that hasn't been washed, a general sad and depressing state for a 24 year old girl's room to be in. it wasn't always like this. i am thinking of increasing the dosage of my anti-depressants. in general, i get very depressed when i repress who i am for long enough. i want to read and write more, code more, go to sf everyday like i used to. i just don't have the energy anymore. today will be different.

[redacted for privacy]

i'm gonna throw up i PAID $400 FOR CHOCOLATE CHESS STORY OP. this is my most expensive purchase yet... ;-;.. i can't believe i can finally afford this. So far I have matching brown wristcuffs and a matching brown BTSSB clock purse. All I need left is the matching bow/bonnet/beret, brown/cream OTKs, and a pair of elegant brown heels.

Here are some inspo pics for how I'd like to style this piece!:

Some other things I recently bought:
• Innocent World Bambi Skirt: Pair with: Brown heels, creme/brown OTKs, brown beret, ivory or brown cardigan + blouse, ivory wristcuffs
• BTSSB Ribbon Milky Sugar JSK: Pair with: Black RHS, white AP blouse, Black headdress, black parasol, black or white ruffle OTKs.
• BTSSB Brown Clock Bag: Pair with Chess Chocolate OP, JeJ Maria OP.

i like
• the sound of birds chirping and a warm breeze on a lovely spring day
• people-watching and observing and analyzing others like crazy, quietly. this is a fun activity
• peace and quiet. empty streets and libraries. a world slowed down: 3 AM in the morning

i dislike
• obnoxious, boisterous, attention-seeking people who put up a front out of insecurity or narcissism
• people who project onto me and force their worldviews on me
• over-the-top overstimulating foods and desserts with 100 different toppings and condiments...

i cannot take myers-briggs or any of these pseudo-psychology pop-science personality tests seriously anymore. i hate being put into a box and having my personality defined by a quiz i take. we are all much more multifaceted than that. a lot of people don't know who they are, or why they feel so profoundly alienated, so they attempt to find an identity by ascribing to terms and definitions: introverted vs. extroverted, type a vs. type b, feeler vs. thinker. based on the mbti, i am an infj. i have consistently always gotten this 4 letter result, but i hate the box it forces me in, as i am not always a "sensitive feeler" in every given situation. i stopped caring about mbti pop-psychology the second that corporations started using it and advertising it.

oh look! i found my old blog

i'm currently reading eros the bittersweet by anne carson. i love this book so so incredibly much and it might be my favorite of all time. it puts into words the feeling of longing i have, the feeling of lack and desire and the "stirring up" of butterflies and emotions that cause a sort of "striving" that ends up leading me only to myself yet again. realizing that my desire for the other is the desire for the self, to look into the empty void in me and fill it with something profound and otherworldly.

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• that fuzzy-brained barely-alive feeling when you've barely gotten any sleep and every moment feels like an eternal daydream. your sense of time no longer makes sense
• romanticizing small and mundane things
• the album: velocity : design : comfort...

• being so stressed and anxious that i feel nauseous and want to throw up at every moment
• the term "coquette"
• "networking" and transactional relationships based on inauthenticity and personal gain. job fairs. corporate jargon.

when your senses overwhelm you and you feel the moisture of the air, the dust particles and microbes sitting on your face, your little heart beating so fast, every sound in your vicinity amplified by 100, the strange feeling of being a human being with a frontal lobe. navigating between the reptilian, flight-or-fight, amygdala-ridden self, and the frontal lobe of higher faculties, fantasies, dreams, reflections. i am amazed at the concept of existence itself. this is a very enjoyable experience for me, actually.

i feel very lucky and fortunate for the things i have now and how my life is right now. it's ok to just "be"

[redacted for privacy]

the better i get at designing my neocities, the more dissatisfied i become with how my previous pages turned out and i want to re-do and re-design all of them! the only pages i am satisfied with so for are my welcome page, home page, about page, and calendar. i need to completely redo my library page because it doesn't go with my themes AT ALL and i regret that. I also need to redesign my wardrobe page to look more sophisticated and animated. i really need to get to taking photos of my coords and dresses so it all looks consistent. it's going to take a while for me to finally be satisifed and finished with my neocities. i only started in late january, so i've made a lot of progress so far. it just takes a while for me to finally feel satisifed. on top of that, i don't have ANY previous experience coding so i basically had to do a lot of trial and error to get things working. what helped was using other people code for templates and layouts, but still!

i started reading the birth of the clinic by michel foucault today and i am really enjoying it. i keep starting different books and then losing interest in them, i hope this is not another case of that. i ended up taking a nap and dreamt i was having my work orientation except it was on a snowy mountain and i was stuck on a cliff next to the ocean.

this video has been heavily resonating with me after a few events going on in my life and reflecting on how i want my life to be. i relate to him so much. i can't wait for the amount of growth and change i will inevitably experience from now until my 30's. there's so much to be learned, to be explored and experienced. i want to live for myself. on my own terms.

[redacted for privacy]

i cannot stop listening to this song on repeat. it's so eerie. i want to listen to more idm, space ambient, and ambient dub like i used to when i would study for med surg nursing. more info coming once i put together my music page.

i decided to go to the movies by myself to watch the brutalist directed by brady corbet. i wore my music note lolita coord and got to try out my atelier pierrot parasol for the first time!

the movie was long (about 4 hours total including the trailers) and i was immersed in it entirely. it felt like a shared experience since it was only me and one other woman in the whole theater. it was the first time i had experienced a 10 minute intermission scene in a movie as well (more time for me to get hot cheetos :3). this film was stressful for me because of its subject matter. seeing the prejudice that lászló tóth faces as he strives for the american dream, him internalizing it, manifesting in his drug addiction and abusive behavior... it affected me quite a bit. but that's a good thing, i like when films move me. i loved the archiectural details so much. the concrete, stone, the high ceilings pointing to divinity and holiness. it made me think of the book the poetics of space by gaston bachelard which has been on my reading list for a while and i'm going to start reading today. the second half of the film was kinda weak... especially the ending, and I think that detracted a bit from the core message of the film and lászló's struggles.

i realized yesterday that all i needed was a day to go out and dress up. i haven't been going out lately and that was what was contributing to my depression and anxious thought loops. i have to keep myself busy! i also got a good sign tonight: the manager who interviewed me reached out to my references! i'm hopeful that i get hired, but i'll still try and keep my expectations low. it's really hard to get hired as a new grad.

:3 nvm i feel better

"you can always tell someone's screen time from their outfit." -alexandra hildreth

as i get more and more into lolita fashion, it's becoming difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that many people indulge in fast fashion and tik tok trends without true care or regard for garments, materials, coording, labor, and quality. i feel myself becoming a bit of an elitist and I don't like that about myself, especially in regards to the egl community. i've been browsing lolcow a lot and as I lurk through ita threads and see "zoomer fashion" tik tok lolitas, it's making me feel even more alienated from those types of zoomers in the community. people can wear what they want but lolita is a substyle of fashion for a reason, and breaking fundamental EGL rules while only wearing aliexpress/amazon main pieces isn't respecting the fashion, especially when these chinese factories are stealing designs from independent creators. another issue is when people don't put any thought or care into how they're coording, and don't care to learn over time. one exception is if someone is completely new to the fashion.

for instance, this is one way for me to stay humble: i myself made many ita mistakes early on when my first "lolita" dress was an aliexpress mary magdalene OP rip off I got off of depop for $20. it was so poor quality that the colors started bleeding the moment I tried to wash it. i didn't even wear a petticoat, or OTKs with it... i'm REALLY embarrassed （─.─||）despite that, people actually loved seeing me wear it and liked my dress! but those people also weren't in the EGL community. and normies passing by can't tell the difference usually. i've learned a lot since then. i do think some of my hyperfixations are due to how immersed I am now in the way EGL lolitas think, how much careful consideration there is to detail. i think about the shape of the bows, if the colors and whites are the same shade, if the textures of the blouse and dress are matching, sticking with a theme, making sure to not have too many statement pieces, etc...

today i finally sold my red Clockwork Tea Party Lumiere JSK. i'm going to be using the money to buy another one of my dream dresses: Dramatic Rose Special JSK in Lavender. i was actually able to sell it to someone locally who saw my listing on Lacemarket, and she said it was one of her dream dresses! it was such a lovely and beautiful dress but unfortunately the shade of red was bugging me as i either prefer a valentines-esque true red or a wine red. this one had was slightly closer to a brick red shade and combined with the golden motifs, i didn't feel that it suit my style. however, I still got to have cute memories in sf wearing this coord.

1) i wore it once on a date in sf, we took BART to the castro district to get breakfast, check some antique shops, and check out zgo Perfumery. before even getting breakfast, we spotted a mobile florist shop where he bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that matched my outfit, and i got to carry it around all day and the bouquet lasted quite a while throughout the month ♡ at castro a photographer even stopped me to take a photo of me, and so many people loved my outfit and were complimenting me as i was just walking and existing. after that we walked all the way to pizza delfina and ate our pizza together at dolores park until it got dark. then we walked to dandelion chocolate and enjoyed some hot chocolate together before we headed to the roxie to watch tarsem singh's The Fall. We both loved the movie and had so much fun watching it :3 it was such a lovely day.

2) i also wore my clockwork tea party coord to go watch the nutcracker with my friends at the war memorial opera house. i was feeling particularly emotional unstable and stressed that day, and i was secrelty sobbing and crying throughout the play both because of its beauty, and my own pent up emotions of which i felt no other outlet to express since i was with my friends. it felt so good to cry, i cried during waltz of the flowers and it was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things i've ever experienced. call me cliche or sentimental. i had so much pent up emotions that exploded in that moment, also because it's one of my favorite classical pieces of all time and hearing it in person was the tipping point for me. after the ballet, we went to go take photos at fairmont hotel, which was completely decked out in luminous christmas decor including a giant gingerbread house and a magnificent christmas tree. it felt like a dream. i felt like a character out of a storybook, as if i myself could have been baking and decorating with icing during the construction of the gingerbread house :3 i'm so glad my friend K suggested the bar we went to next. it was called top of the mark and the espresso martini i had was delicious. i got pretty tipsy. we had such a pretty view of the city while having fun conversations.

today i had my first RN interview in the ***** unit at ********. i only had 1 day to prepare for it so yesterday was pretty stressful and hectic for me. ever since i received the phone call that i would interview the next day, i spent every waking hour studying as many patient scenario questions as i could and rehearsed typical nursing interview questions such as “tell me about yourself,” “why did you choose this unit,” etc. pretty routine stuff for interviews. i’m really exceited to become a nurse and finally become financially independent. i have so many new things to look forward to. i want to travel with my friends and live with my partner someday, and i want the finances to build my dream wardrobe and partake in my hobbies fully. i think i did really well in my interview, but I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if I don't get hired for this position either. i am a new grad after all and it's really competitive. i’ll just keep applying myself. other than that, i've been having fun trying to figure out how to design my blog.